btw, I've also decided that I am descended from Jesus, and that therefore I am very important. I can prove it because my ancestors were Lamberts. Think about it... DagoBERT, SigisBERT, LamBERT. The link is clear. Any treasure found near Rennes-le-Chateau is clearly mine by right of BERT.
Sesame Street, CTW (SPA) -- October 10, 2001 Crack FBI counter-terrorist agents, backed up by National Guard Troops and an elite SWAT team struck back in the first full scale raid against domestic terrorism today according to an anonymous source in the new Homeland Defense Agency. SPA reporters on the ground with the task force say that the raid was swift, brutal and sure. While the main suspect was not present, the force made many arrests.
Meanwhile, residents of Sesame Street are dealing with the shock of the raid as well as the horror of having a terrorist in their midst, knowing that the raid averted a horrendous attack. Ernie, roommate of alleged terrorist Bert, said, "I just can’t imagine that Bert, of all people would be a terrorist. He seemed so bland, eating his oatmeal and training his pigeons."
Bert, a terrorist: the news sent tremors throughout the whole Sesame Street community. Like other terrorists he had melted silently into the community. He ate oatmeal. He had a button collection. He trained pigeons. Innocuous pastimes, but these activities masked a plot that caused New York City emergency planners to shudder.
"You can not imagine the terror that New York City pigeons could cause if they worked together," noted an unnamed Park worker. "If you think the statues look bad, imagine all the pigeons working in unison to attack the mayor. Think Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ and you have a good idea of the problems we were facing."
Workers had noted that pigeons seemed to be acting in concert recently. When they saw the poster of Osama bin Laden with Bert, the threat became clear. After a brief investigatory period, agents became convinced of Bert’s connection to bin Laden, and his plan to attack New York City with pigeons and set up a puppet government.
Among the detainees, Ernie was released almost immediately when investigators realized that more often than not Ernie foiled Bert’s plans. Meanwhile, Oscar is still being held for interfering with a law officer by telling them to "GO AWAY!" when they ran into his trashcan. Gonzo, Animal and Cookie Monster were arrested because of their alleged membership in FLP. The Count was arrested for interfering in the investigation as he followed them around saying, "One, one alleged terrorist. Two, two alleged terrorists. Three, three alleged…"
Elmo, spokesman for the remaining Funny Looking Puppets appealed for the release of Gonzo, Animal and Cookie Monster noting that while the initials were ominous, they had nothing to do with terrorism. He denounced the terrorist activities of Bert and called for his quick capture.
And that is the sad part, for it seems that Bert had flown the coop, so to speak. Authorities believe that a pigeon hanging around FBI offices flew back and tipped Bert off to the coming raid. They promise to keep on looking, wherever pigeons are, there Bert may be.
Satirical Press Associates (SPA) is a group of writers or one writer with multiple personalities who have (has) a warped sense of reality. None of their (his) reports should be construed as factual, although they (he) have (has) been known to take factual situations and distort them. Those who wish to support this endeavor may be crazier than the author(s) but are welcome to e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org
Ó 2001 by Bob James. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to distribute this article to others without charge as long as it is distributed in its entirety and this notice is attached. This article may not be distributed commercially either individually or as part of any anthology without the express written consent of the author.